


Afraid

by TheMysteriousStoryteller



Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Gen, SO SORRY, but only kind of, its still pretty fucking edgy though, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2019-07-17 23:43:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16106228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMysteriousStoryteller/pseuds/TheMysteriousStoryteller
Summary: Fear and apprehension shouldn't be common feelings.





	Afraid

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys take this really ooc edgy highschool fic about Tom. I hope you guys still enjoy it though. I promise I'll get back to fluffier and happier stuff. Comments are always appreciated as usual. Hope you guys have a good day.

Fear and apprehension shouldn’t be common feelings. 

 

You shouldn’t dread just waking up and being alive. You shouldn’t have a sense of foreboding that follows you everywhere you go, even if it’s somewhere all too plain and familiar. 

 

But that’s how Tom felt. All of the goddamn time. 

 

As he spent time with the very few friends he had, he felt apprehension gnaw at him. 

 

As he walked the halls of the school, he felt anxiety make a pit in his stomach. 

 

As he sat at home, he still felt fear plague him. 

 

He was afraid, but he didn’t know what he feared. Everything was fine. Everything was  _ swell _ . Why did he always have that feeling of something awful happening? 

 

There was a voice in his head. It whispered toxic words to him as he went about his life. 

 

When he spent time with his friends, it’d say things like,  _ “They don’t really like you,”  _ and  _ “They just pity you. Look at you. You’re pathetic.” _

 

_ “They’re all better than you in every way possible.” _ _   
_ _   
_ __ “They’re all going to die anyway.”

 

And truthfully, Tom feared his friends. They could leave him at any moment. They could get tired of him at any moment. Maybe they already are. 

 

The logical side of himself would always try to fight back. Edd was always the type to speak his mind, as were the other two. If they didn’t like him, then why would they stick around him? Why would Edd text him so late at night and talk with him until the sun rose? 

 

And that side was right. It didn’t make any sense. But Tom couldn’t convince himself of that fully. He still felt that constant fear that one day, Edd was going to leave him. He’d get bored of him and leave as quickly as he came. That thought made him even more afraid. 

 

He was afraid to step out of line. He wanted to monitor everything he said more precisely, but his mouth worked faster than his mind. He’d say things without thinking, which has caused many arguments that have festered inside Tom’s mind like an infected wound. 

 

At school, Tom dreaded every class. Edd was barely in any of them, which made it even worse. He’d look around the class, feeling dozens of eyes on him. Even though he couldn’t exactly decipher their hushed whispers, he  _ knew  _ that the other kids were talking about him: the weird kid with completely black eyes. It only made him dread going to school even more. 

 

Even as he sat with his friends at lunch, he felt...out of place. Not appearance wise, though. Sure, the black eyes made him feel a  _ little  _ odd, but Edd had bangs covering his eyes, so at least he could take solace in that. It felt more like he had just joined the group a week ago while the others have known each other for years. Yet, the feeling persisted for weeks or even months. The passage of time was beyond him, so he wasn’t exactly sure how long it had been since he met all of them. That tends to happen a lot. Chunks of Tom’s life had become lost to the rivers of time like stones being taken and carried downstream. 

 

There were times when the fear stopped, but that didn’t make Tom feel better. Rather, he didn’t feel anything.

 

Instead of just feeling out of place in his group of friends, he felt out of place in reality.  _ He  _ didn’t feel real, and neither did anyone around him. His friends would try to talk to him and he’d give them empty replies, or no replies at all. Silence would be the common answer and texts would be left on read. And even then, he still felt a nagging fear. He didn’t want them to think he hated them; he didn’t. There were just times where it felt hard to speak. His tongue was tied and his throat was closed. On those days, he could barely breathe. 

 

Yet, the feeling of suffocation was all too familiar. Sometimes the anxiety and paranoia that festered inside of him finally burst, clouding around him and getting into every part of his body. He’d choke on his own horrific thoughts. 

 

And most of the time, no one would be there to comfort him. The only comfort he’d end up finding was at the bottom of a flask or a bottle. Even then, he didn’t get his hands on alcohol that often. So, he’d usually end up having to wait it out until he could calm down again. Sometimes, Edd or Tord would be with him at the wrong time, and he’d end up panicking around them. Those were the worst times. He hated having to rely on them for comfort at times, even though that’s what he craved. 

 

Tom imagined that people who felt the same simply slept all of the time, but he couldn’t even find solace in that. He’d lay awake for countless nights, his thoughts swarming in his head like a pissed off hive of bees. The worst part is that sometimes, just before the comfort of sleep reached him, his body would freeze up. He wouldn’t be able to move anything except for his eyes. He’d be forced to watch horrific figures in the shadows slowly stumble toward him. He’d be forced to listen to blood-curdling screams and his own quickened heartbeat. 

 

When he could finally move, he’d immediately shoot up and panic once again. The hallucinations would(thankfully) disappear, but the fear wouldn’t. So, he’d usually stay up talking to Edd all night. But, this happened all too often. When he wasn’t experiencing sleep paralysis, he was having horrific nightmares. At that point, he gave up even trying to sleep. 

 

When he felt truly nothing, then the truly awful thoughts and urges would settle in. 

 

As he climbed the stairs of the school, he sometimes thought about jumping down from the top. It wouldn’t kill him, but it’d more than likely break a leg or something. It was odd. He didn’t  _ want  _ to die. In fact, he feared death. He feared dying and what would happen after death.

 

Sometimes, he wanted to yell at someone for no reason. They didn’t do anything wrong, but Tom just wanted to yell. Sometimes, he’d punch things. Never people, but he’d punch walls and punch his pillows as if that’d make him feel better. It just left him with bruised and bloody knuckles, plus some holes in the wall he had to cover up with posters. 

 

One night, Tom tried to run away. 

 

His mother was fast asleep in her room, leaving Tom alone and awake at two in the morning. Edd wasn’t online, and those thoughts were starting to get to Tom again. He was feeling a little adventurous and incredibly impulsive. A night or two out wouldn’t hurt, right? Being away from everyone seemed like a pleasure at the time. 

 

He got to the end of the driveway before he ran back to the house in near tears. 

 

He was a coward. He couldn’t bare the thought of deliberately removing himself from everyone for even a few days. 

 

He went back to his room and drank everything he had until he couldn’t feel. He laid in his bed for a while, staring at the ceiling, berating himself and reminding himself of everything bad he’s done. 

 

At some point, he started to feel ill. It was more than likely a combination of the alcohol and the anxiety. It felt like something was pushing on his stomach, making him gag softly. He had to get up and rush to the bathroom. He practically threw the toilet seat up as he began to vomit into it. His throat burned like hell as anything he ate that day plus the alcohol tore its way upward and into the water below him. Tears streamed down his face as he coughed and spat up whatever he could. After a few minutes of pure agony, he flushed the toilet and forced himself to stand up. He went over to the sink and leaned against it, panting harshly. When he looked up in the mirror, he was met with an unseemly sight. 

 

He hadn’t taken a good look at his face in a while. Other than the vomit that splotched the corners of his mouth, he could see the dark bags under his eyes. His mouth was slightly agape from panting. To top it off, he had a red, tear-stained face. Overall, he looked pathetic. Though, another realization hit him. As his mind went over the past few hours, he reached a revelation. 

  
  


Tom was afraid of himself. 

 

He was afraid of who he was and what he was becoming. He was afraid of what he has done and what he’s going to do if he does anything. He was afraid of the past and the future. He was afraid of change, but also afraid of not changing.

 

He looked down at the mirror, not really wanting to look at himself anymore. He didn’t know what possessed him to do this, but he pulled his phone out. Even though he knew Edd wasn’t online, he still wanted to text him. 

 

[ **Tom** _3:48A.M_

_ im sorry. _ ]


End file.
